As a consulting actuary, I’ve spent my career navigating spaces where women are underrepresented. But one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced isn’t just in the workplace – it’s in how society perceives my role at home.

I’m a mom to four kids, all under the age of seven. In our family, I’m the sole provider, and my husband is a stay-at-home dad – a decision we made together when our second child was on the way. With the soaring costs of daycare and limitations of my husband’s job (long hours, a long commute and a non-traditional schedule), it was the most practical choice.

Our kids have never questioned why dad stays home and mom works; to them, it’s just life. But while our setup makes perfect sense to us, many in our community seem to have difficulty adjusting to our increasingly common home arrangement. I’ve noticed this in three major areas: communications, social conventions and long-held presumptions about what it means to be a working mom.

Communications: Why am I Still Getting the Phone Calls?

My husband is listed as the first contact on all our kids’ school and medical forms, and we have asked both to contact my husband before me. And yet, when something happens, I’m still the parent they call first.

Just this week, our oldest slipped on the playground and hit his head. The school’s first call? Me – even though my husband was willing and just as available, if not more.

It’s frustrating but not surprising. Society often treats moms as the “default parent,” regardless of who actually manages the household.

Social Conventions: Are There Double Standards for Moms and Dads?

My husband and I face plenty of social assumptions about our roles. Friends and acquaintances often ask if it’s “weird” for him to spend time with stay-at-home moms. People also comment that he has the “hardest job,” but I’ve noticed this same sentiment that is not afforded to stay-at-home moms. I’ve also heard comments about my husband “watching the kids” – but he is just parenting, not babysitting.

The Working Mom Presumption: “Aren’t You Afraid You’re Missing Out?”

As a working mom and the sole family breadwinner, I’m often asked whether I feel like I’m “missing out” on my kids’ lives (something I don’t often hear asked of dads). Society has placed so much pressure on moms to be both financial providers and primary caretakers. No matter what choice women make, I feel we have to face society’s preconceived judgments. If we stay home, people assume we’re not contributing financially. If we work, we risk being seen as an “absent” mother.

Having felt this pressure, I have experienced guilt when I miss a school event or other activity for work. But I often remind myself that the quality time I spend with my kids outside of work matters as much, or more than being physically present every minute of the day.

Redefining Success on Our Own Terms

Throughout my career and motherhood journey, I’ve learned that as women, we are often held to an impossible standard: we need to be perfect moms, perfect partners and successful professionals – all at once.

But success isn’t one-size-fits-all. Just as we apply analytical thinking and problem-solving to actuarial work, we need to take the same approach in our personal lives – making choices based on what works best, not outdated expectations.

The more we challenge these norms, the more we normalize the many ways women can thrive in both their careers and their families.